Dear H,
I'm not sure I conveyed how upset I am about how things have turned out. I'm not sure exactly what I wanted, but in retrospect something casual would have probably been healthier and more appropriate to our compatibility. If a misstep on the level of seriousness was made, I suspect it was mine.
I think my impulse for pursuing things more seriously came from a recognition that I
could learn things from dating you and maybe teach you a few myself--
things about ourselves and about people and our relationship with the
world-- y'know, the usual.
That said, I think the biggest reason I'm upset about losing what we've had, is that for the first time in a year I'd found the trifecta-- good conversation, good sex and good cuddling (the last of those only at the end). I approach servicing those creature comforts with a degree of seriousness that others sometimes find foreign, but I'm excruciatingly aware of how fundamental they are in my life. I think we'd gotten to a point where we could actually get quality sleep together, which is also very important, and was probably a requisite for any kind of low-pressure sexual relationship.
I've been thinking about our conversation last night, and envisioning what I would want to talk about when we meet for coffee a couple of weeks from now, and I realized that at this moment it would mostly be asking you for more detail about what you said, and, tentatively, seeing if your situation had changed after midterms and your move to Oakland. That seems like kind of a shitty thing to start a friendly conversation with and, more to the point, too long a time to wait to ask that stuff, so I thought I'd broach it here, where I can lay out my thoughts without the adrenaline that has accompanied our last couple of conversations.
You said that you didn't feel like a casual relationship would be possible. Why is that? That question can be taken as an appeal, but I also hope you take it as a more basic question about what makes you tick.
If I had to guess the reason you don't think something casual would work, it's that you're concerned that it would be an additional complication to your life, and add to your stress rather than relieve or provide an outlet for it. Maybe you also can't imagine back-stepping a relationship's level of seriousness-- that's an open question for me too, since I haven't tried anything like that yet. I'd guess you're also worried that even something relatively infrequent and decidedly uncommitted would distract you from your priorities, but I have difficulty relating to that. The idea of ever being in a place in my life where I didn't have time for even occasional sex is foreign to me. I tend to think of sex, at least on its own, as beneficial for focus and coping with stress.
I envisioned a friendly sort of thing where maybe once a week when there was a break in your obligations and I was free, you'd come to my house and we'd have sex and curl up together and chat and go to sleep. The idea wouldn't be to build anything, but to provide a respite from our respective lives-- your school stresses and my own stress from work or, frankly, other dating. It would be something to look forward to, and I know it would center me in regards to the aforementioned stresses. I know the way we handle our drives and responsibilities is pretty different, so I wouldn't be surprised if that paradigm wouldn't make sense in your life, but that is what I envisioned.
Anyways, I hope this email wasn't unwelcome or
unpleasant, and I wish you the best with the busy life before you. I
don't think I've said this to you out loud, so I will say it now: I am
and have been impressed with your dedication to the pursuit of your
goals. Hopefully the fact that I've only said this once will compensate
for it being a cliche that I'm sure you've heard many times. Anyways, I
mean it. I'd still like to meet you for coffee in a while, I'd just like
to get these questions out of the way beforehand.
Sincerely,
Frank
