I'm dredging the vaults and this turned up. It's something I wrote about a year and a half ago. It was one of those moments where after nursing a horrifically bad mood for a while, I got up and the words just kind of flowed.
sometimes i feel i am falling through life
i am falling through life with the ease of a doll.
a moment of bright
tarnished by imperfection
but still beautiful.
then goodbyes
then spiral sucking swirl into blackness, screaming
blackness colored with shades of brown and flecks of white
but blackness all the same, so heavy i cant cry
blackness so heavy my head can't fit in my shoulders,
my shoulders cant fit into my knees, my knees cant fit in my shoes.
swirls of evil thoughts, pernicious, impossible thoughts
they shouldnt be allowed to exist,
much less have this free reign over me
there is a dim light on the horizon,
if it werent, my head would fit in the floor,
in negative space
the dim light keeps me here in the inky wind,
keeps me suffering,
keeps that tenuous compromise afloat, under strain.
but assuring that winds wont rip me to shreds
does nothing to assuage that they feel as bad as if they were about to
i turn to the only friend left to me,
and believe me that never have you seen him so tainted, thin and cold as he is now before me,
a cruel joke of what he once was,
but i curl up and close my eyes and try to think of nothing
as i'm buffeted by blackness,
and eventually nothing comes.
Wow.
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